doomed diary

why do people write in their diary? my father said, he used to write in his diary to improve his handwriting. and yeah, i could see his handwriting in those old books of his, and it's quite charming. now, he seldom writes, and his letter N looks like an H. quite troublesome though, because in that case, my name would be FARAN in all those borang kemasukan whatever. (wait, why would my dad fill in my borang? it's just the way he is. ya lah, he only got 2 daughters. he loves us. although i might say, sometimes a little bit overprotective. but that's one of the ways people express their love, right?)

nowadays, people don't even have any diary. with all those PDAs, iPhones, iPads, yada yada yada. the importance of writing a diary is being forgotten (wait, is there any? i've forgotten). once, in my secondary school, my friend got busted, when we stole and peeked at her diary. here's the story:

P (girl) had a crush on A (boy, duh.) and living in a boarding school, handphones are prohibited. but we were not angels, of course. so some (most) of us brought handphones to school. but P was a real angel. she didn't. so she borrowed our roomate's, R (girl), handphone to contact / text A. everyday, after school, P was extra excited to get to the dorm, and get permission (i mean, reaaaal angel, even bother to ask for permission) from R to use her hp to text A. everything went well, though. P looked happy. i don't know whether A was happy too or what. i rarely asked. 'cause i was busy with my crush, H. but H was boring, so let's stay with P, A, and R.

so, one day, i heard some gossip from the other girls,

"is R dating A?"

and i was like, what? noo.. that can't be true. R is giving her hp so that P can date A. that's true. 

then i asked R. was it true? i really thought she would just say a simple 'no'. instead, she hesitated a bit. at that time, thus confirming the gossip. i just don't know how i felt. poor P! R you bitch. that's just a whole new level of betrayal, man. then, i forced R to break things up with A (i know, what a mess. but since we were kids, that's just how things work). and R said she would.

"i will, i will. i know."

i will my ass. she didn't! then, one day, while R was not around, P and i was lingering around our dorm, bored. then, P pointed to R's locker, and showed me R's diary. the diary was hard covered, and got some lock, which needed a combination to open it. we were just messing around, since R repeatedly asked us not to mess with her diary. well, the more you say 'do not', the more we 'do'. we fiddled with it a bit, and just trying different combinations of numbers. i sure as hell hoped we never get the right combination. but P being P (a very smart person), somehow got the combination. and we flipped page by page, then came THE page. the page from hell. the page i secretly prayed R wouldn't even have. but being R, such important events (texting, flirting, and slutting are compulsary to put in a locked diary).


it was all very girly in the first few pages. and turned into yucky the more we read it. and kind of disgusting when THE important page from hell came to our view. disgusting 'cause, i don't know. it reminds me of all the bitter feeling i had which was, not knowing whether to ACT shocked, or just come clean to P.

P cried when she knew that R was dating A. and i, don't know how to act, hmm. i just told P that i knew. and i explained to her that i already told R to break it up! but she wouldn't. and P was mad at me. waaaay more mad at me than she was at R. until now, i still feel i don't deserve to be hated that much, more than R deserved. but whatever. it was about, betrayal, and not telling, and things like that. and P being P, she said,

"i don't want to fight because of some stupid boy."

and so P didn't fight with R. she forgave her (angelic). but she didn't forgive me! (not that angelic). it took like, i don't know, months? for her to actually talk to me again. fuck you R.

but now, 5 years has gone too fast. and when i think about it, WE WERE THAT STUPID? haha. so R did, break up with A (thank goodness, nobody even thought they made a cute couple, anyway). and P got a new boyfriend. and they broke up. and now everybody's single! stupid boys. the end.


you see, a new type of writing diary now would be blogging. but it's not really a diary, is it? a diary is something you keep to your self. a blog is something you share with the world. talking about BIG difference. so, unless you're totally anonymous in your blog, then you can pretty much rant about whatever you want, even dirty-talk about your own family members. that's just plain rotten, but we do have some evil part in ourselves, right? denying it would place you in THAT part.


i've tried writing in a diary. never worked. i'm just too plain lazy to recall whatever happened throughout the day. and sitting, and hunching, and writing, and wasting my ink. my pens are very precious to me. they always disappear. i hate to waste my money on PENS only!! that's just me putting it all out about my troubled relationship with pens. we repel each other, that's it. even though i marked my name on it, they still run away from me. don't know about you, but have you ever felt VERY disappointed when your pen is missing? i could be a moody bitch the whole day if it happens. and i don't think people understand (people here including zhafran, who's always my victim of missing-a-pen tantrums). so that would make me look like a wacko.


you look a bit moody.


a bit, you say?


what's wrong?


my pen is missing.


".....oh.. don't you have other pens? you can borrow mine if you want.


thanks. but no thanks. i'd prefer having my own.


come on, for real? a pen? suck it up and stop being a psycho over one fucking pen.